my empire state of mind

braindump on moving to and out of new york

                                               Amy Hwang for the New Yorker, 12/25/23

When I was 14 years old and envisioning my dream job, I wanted to be an investment banker. I did not know what investment bankers did other than the fact that they wore fancy suits, worked 100 hours a week, and lived in New York City, and I wanted to wear fancy suits, work 100 hours a week (why??), and live in New York City. 

After learning about what DCFs were freshman year, I concluded banking was not for me but still set my sights on New York. To a Silicon Valley kid, New York was artistic, cultural, different. In New York, I’d be efficient and busy with life. I’d do interesting things and become an interesting person. Finally, I wouldn’t be the person walking the fastest on the street. 

I’m 23 now and spent the last year living in New York, though I traded in banking for a tech job, fancy suits for jeans, and working 100 hours a week for a pretty standard workweek. A couple months ago, I decided to move back to San Francisco for 2025. Many of my high school friends and colleagues wondered if something went wrong–I’d craved to become a New Yorker for so long.

I did get a ton out of living here, both the good and the bad, so—both as a way to add to the Substack NYC discourse and as something to send to everyone that asks how was New York and why would you leave?—here are a couple things I thought about my time in New York:

1. It takes real effort to make things happen, which made me appreciate serendipity like never before. 

I thought New York would be convenient but it really isn’t. It’s convenient in the sense that when it’s 12AM and you’re hungry, you’ll always have something to eat. But it’s really not in the sense of meeting people: most people are busy and most of the things you want to do probably need to be booked. It felt pretty common to have packed days where you’re going from place to place seeing your friends, and spontaneity only felt possible within the time allotted to an interaction. Before coming I imagined there’d be days where you’d just languish with your friends and make random NYC discoveries on a Sunday afternoon; in reality, everyone is busy with work, leisure energy is limited, and you must be intentional to make something happen. 

Which also meant: serendipity really feels magical. 

I met two of my best friends in NY caroling in Central Park. We hit it off and hung out every week since. Sometimes we tell people we met on a cruise just because it’s equally preposterous. 

In my final musical improv performance, my classmate saw her favorite comedian in the crowd watching. It was such a special moment to see her gush over him afterwards. 

Running into two of my high school friends in the street, learning that we had all independently moved from CA to NY, living exactly two streets away from each other on the same avenue.

etc. etc.— I feel that I’m leaving NY with a newfound appreciation for those small but awe-inspiring moments.

2. It’s the perfect city to be alone.

I’ve never been so comfortable being alone before—restaurants, bars, theater shows, pop-ups, movies, museums, whatever—no one cares in New York! Part of it’s from infrastructure like public transportation and no real curfews. I also think part of it’s that there’s so much to do that you can’t afford to wait to do things with everyone else, so you learn to find the courage and do something alone. I think loneliness comes from fear from being present with yourself. And I think the best cure is to just prove to yourself that it isn’t that scary.

3. Every Bay Area kid should leave the Silicon Valley bubble at least once (honestly, at least a couple times).

Then you’ll realize knowing what MAU means at 16 is definitely not a flex.

In all seriousness, I didn’t realize how much Silicon Valley brainrot I had until I left and got out of the tech bubble, at least for a year. I have to do something before I’m 25. My job has to make me grind all the time or else my job is lame. Build your brand. Optimize. When I came to New York I met all kinds of people in all kinds of professions with all kinds of life philosophies. It helped me picture all the places I could spread my life into.

Leaving the bubble, again, helped me zone in on what I actually wanted, not what I thought I should want. I felt sheeple-like for a pretty long period of being in the bay. To me, so much of Silicon Valley was everyone trying to be different but somehow ending up at the same conclusion in the end, which signals to me that there’s misalignment somewhere. Still I put my head down and just optimized among the paths available.

Of course, this all comes from a jaded perspective—I recognize how majestic the bay is and I will always love it. But I do think it’s especially important to take time and recalibrate. And maybe you’ll arrive at the same conclusion, and that’s okay.

4. Living in New York can get performative.

There are times where living in New York felt like going down items on a checklist, like you’re going to a restaurant to say you’ve gone to the place and then tell others about it. Sometimes I knew I wouldn’t actually enjoy something but I’d still do it just to try it—and I guess you could spin this as being open but sometimes you know yourself well enough to know it’s just following along.

Ultimately, I came to New York and I grew up: this year forced me to be honest to what I actually like rather than what I wanted to like. Things like—I am incapable of dealing with real seasons. I am claustrophobic in crowds and don’t last at a bar past an hour. I really really can’t deal with constant noise! And I don’t care if it’s ngmi to move out of New York anymore.

So January 2025—I’ll see you in San Francisco.

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life updates

what I’m writing

• got inspired by my friends

  Jasper
  and
  Stone Yang
  and am restarting substack writing

• taking a creative writing break. currently writing my travelogue through London/Paris :)

what I’m consuming

• stumbled upon this gorgeous sci fi piece, Between the Dark and the Dark, by Deji Olukotun. have not read anything featuring fish in space yet before this!

• got sent this substack from my friend Cat about feminism & China

• drinking a Rhubarb & Custard Rooibos from Bird & Blend. Bought it for nostalgia (Bird & Blend was my friend group’s fav spot in Oxford). It’s so good I’m pretty sure I’m going to finish all of it before going back home